You are hereСубтитры - сезон 2, серия 1

Субтитры - сезон 2, серия 1


1
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,102
Previously on Californication...

2
00:00:08,221 --> 00:00:09,974
I'm having a crisis of faith.

3
00:00:10,420 --> 00:00:12,013
Put it simply, I can't write.

4
00:00:12,133 --> 00:00:15,386
You have this incredible talent
and you're flushing it down the toilet.

5
00:00:15,664 --> 00:00:18,090
Maybe you're right.
I'm fucked up right now.

6
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:20,626
- I need you, baby.
- I'm getting married.

7
00:00:21,311 --> 00:00:23,944
- Is Dad a bad person?
- No, not at all.

8
00:00:24,216 --> 00:00:26,988
I mean, he does have a habit
of getting into trouble sometimes.

9
00:00:27,170 --> 00:00:28,420
Fucking fucker!

10
00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:32,421
Get on with your life, and forget about
the woman you didn't wanna marry.

11
00:00:32,541 --> 00:00:33,914
As your friend and agent,

12
00:00:34,124 --> 00:00:36,706
may I suggest
you start looking for a nice girl?

13
00:00:36,826 --> 00:00:40,464
- What is your name, by the way?
- Wouldn't you rather just fuck me?

14
00:00:40,773 --> 00:00:42,436
I'm a scientologist, Hank.

15
00:00:44,273 --> 00:00:46,345
So, you're this famous writer, huh?

16
00:00:47,460 --> 00:00:49,062
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.

17
00:00:50,232 --> 00:00:51,028
She's 16.

18
00:00:51,281 --> 00:00:54,527
What happened the other night
will never happen again.

19
00:00:54,705 --> 00:00:56,961
I know you guys aren't gonna live
happily ever after.

20
00:00:57,081 --> 00:00:59,069
It's just nice
to be together sometimes.

21
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:01,511
I wanna go back
and do it all over again.

22
00:01:01,631 --> 00:01:03,045
I'm gonna marry Bill.

23
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:05,892
- I wrote something.
- You what?

24
00:01:06,101 --> 00:01:07,906
Hank wrote a new book?
Can I read it?

25
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,855
- t's not appropriate.
- What did you write?

26
00:01:10,002 --> 00:01:12,675
An older man unwittingly bed
an underage girl.

27
00:01:12,794 --> 00:01:13,849
I wrote this novel.

28
00:01:13,969 --> 00:01:15,721
She wrote the book of the year.

29
00:01:15,884 --> 00:01:16,623
Really?

30
00:01:16,970 --> 00:01:19,681
If I say anything, there's no
stopping her from telling Karen.

31
00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,100
Fuck, the police!

32
00:01:21,269 --> 00:01:24,401
If anyone knows of a reason
why this couple should not wed,

33
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:26,285
speak now
or forever hold your peace.

34
00:01:26,404 --> 00:01:27,222
What?

35
00:01:28,024 --> 00:01:29,929
- Wait! Hank!
- You sure?

36
00:01:30,099 --> 00:01:33,565
- Quick, before I change my mind.
- Karen, wait! Come back!

37
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,122
Are you ready?

38
00:02:23,913 --> 00:02:24,902
Fuck, no.

39
00:02:26,266 --> 00:02:29,389
You are gonna be so glad
you did this.

40
00:02:29,559 --> 00:02:31,312
I don't wanna talk about it right now.

41
00:02:31,432 --> 00:02:34,109
I got a God-like erection,
seems a shame to waste it.

42
00:02:35,652 --> 00:02:37,733
- We gotta get going.
- Really?

43
00:02:38,206 --> 00:02:40,571
You would deny a dying man
his final meal?

44
00:02:41,424 --> 00:02:42,473
Oh, my God.

45
00:02:42,736 --> 00:02:45,148
You are going to milk this
for all it's worth, aren't you?

46
00:02:45,268 --> 00:02:46,358
Absolutely.

47
00:02:46,478 --> 00:02:48,625
Don't make me beg, it's unseemly.

48
00:02:50,143 --> 00:02:50,953
Fine.

49
00:02:51,377 --> 00:02:55,222
- We'd better make it snappy.
- You won't feel a thing, I promise.

50
00:02:56,724 --> 00:02:59,737
- What are you doing?
- Just assuming the posish.

51
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,475
Hot digidy.

52
00:03:02,036 --> 00:03:04,958
- What are you doing?
- Assuming my posish.

53
00:03:05,363 --> 00:03:06,606
Get a rubber.

54
00:03:06,837 --> 00:03:08,783
One more time, what's the big deal?

55
00:03:08,903 --> 00:03:12,250
That's my point, exactly.
I'll pull out and hose you down.

56
00:03:14,066 --> 00:03:16,102
Is that supposed to turn me on?

57
00:03:16,350 --> 00:03:17,825
- Maybe?
- Hank...

58
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,601
- It didn't?
- Not so much.

59
00:03:27,506 --> 00:03:29,340
You better start talking dirty.

60
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,108
This could take a while.

61
00:03:33,056 --> 00:03:36,098
- What do you want me to say?
- Right before you come,

62
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:38,579
call me Bill.

63
00:03:39,841 --> 00:03:41,395
Who says I'm gonna come?

64
00:03:42,145 --> 00:03:43,194
A challenge.

65
00:03:44,041 --> 00:03:44,962
Game on.

66
00:03:47,466 --> 00:03:49,314
Get ready for Thor's hammer.

67
00:03:56,921 --> 00:03:58,994
- You wanna see it?
- See what?

68
00:03:59,154 --> 00:04:01,593
The section
of the vas def I just cut out.

69
00:04:01,804 --> 00:04:03,265
Vas def-initely not.

70
00:04:03,435 --> 00:04:07,307
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh
of the base of your penis back together,

71
00:04:07,427 --> 00:04:08,563
that's because I am.

72
00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:11,428
Why do you look like a welder?
You're not welding anything, are you?

73
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,941
So, why the vasectomy?

74
00:04:13,318 --> 00:04:14,783
I hate the rubbers.

75
00:04:15,383 --> 00:04:16,391
Yeah, me too.

76
00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:18,091
I can't feel a damn thing.

77
00:04:19,383 --> 00:04:21,090
Try not to give the guy a hard-on.

78
00:04:22,071 --> 00:04:23,223
That would be messy.

79
00:04:26,335 --> 00:04:27,938
Looks like there's a new Pope.

80
00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:29,832
Pain and swelling, totally normal.

81
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:32,733
A bag of frozen peas should do
the trick. Some prefer anemone.

82
00:04:32,903 --> 00:04:34,416
It's totally up to you.

83
00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:37,413
No sex for 48 hours
and that includes masturbation.

84
00:04:37,583 --> 00:04:39,256
After that, the more the better.

85
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:40,284
Seriously.

86
00:04:40,404 --> 00:04:42,677
You still got a lot of viable sperm
up in there.

87
00:04:42,796 --> 00:04:44,536
Gotta get it out somehow.

88
00:04:44,656 --> 00:04:46,554
If you need any help, let me know.

89
00:04:46,724 --> 00:04:48,172
Great-looking cock.

90
00:04:51,413 --> 00:04:52,348
Thank you.

91
00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:45,852
Don't think I don't see
what's happening here.

92
00:05:45,972 --> 00:05:46,896
What's that?

93
00:05:47,016 --> 00:05:49,072
You're not attracted to me anymore.

94
00:05:49,192 --> 00:05:50,608
That's right.

95
00:05:50,728 --> 00:05:52,740
I ran away with you
on my wedding night

96
00:05:52,992 --> 00:05:55,724
because you just don't
do it for me anymore.

97
00:05:55,844 --> 00:05:57,557
See, on a purely chemical level,

98
00:05:57,677 --> 00:06:00,204
you realize
that I can't impregnate you anymore.

99
00:06:00,324 --> 00:06:02,738
The biological imperative
has been compromized.

100
00:06:02,949 --> 00:06:06,007
You should consider yourself lucky
that we are even having sex.

101
00:06:06,177 --> 00:06:08,385
I do. I do, and it's been rad.

102
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,086
I forgot what a little hellcat
you can be.

103
00:06:12,144 --> 00:06:15,230
- No, please, don't do that. Seriously.
- That was gross.

104
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,318
Man should not meow. Ever.

105
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,104
We're doing what couples do, Hank.

106
00:06:20,224 --> 00:06:22,488
We're making responsible,

107
00:06:22,792 --> 00:06:24,955
grown-up decisions together.

108
00:06:25,378 --> 00:06:28,524
- Why are you smiling like that?
- How am I smiling?

109
00:06:29,008 --> 00:06:30,182
Like a retard.

110
00:06:31,611 --> 00:06:35,116
This is nice to hear you refer to us
as a couple again. It sounded good.

111
00:06:37,244 --> 00:06:39,691
They really did neuter you,
didn't they?

112
00:06:40,412 --> 00:06:41,661
Kiss the eunuch.

113
00:06:43,831 --> 00:06:46,747
- Honey! God, don't grind it.
- I know, I'm so sorry.

114
00:07:03,817 --> 00:07:05,126
How's the package?

115
00:07:05,246 --> 00:07:07,843
It's not a conversation
I ever wanted to have with my daughter,

116
00:07:07,963 --> 00:07:09,770
but thanks for asking, sweetie.

117
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:10,826
She called.

118
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:12,168
She who?

119
00:07:12,556 --> 00:07:14,059
That real estate whore.

120
00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:15,983
She's bringing some people by.

121
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,458
Language, young lady.

122
00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:20,508
Next time she tells me to clean my room,
I'm gonna say,

123
00:07:20,628 --> 00:07:22,063
"Clean this, lady"

124
00:07:22,183 --> 00:07:23,723
and give her a titty twister.

125
00:07:25,788 --> 00:07:27,565
As much as I'd like to see that,

126
00:07:27,685 --> 00:07:29,989
the idea is to sell this place
and get out of dodge.

127
00:07:30,394 --> 00:07:32,922
If you tidied up your shrine
to Norwegian death metal,

128
00:07:33,042 --> 00:07:34,621
it might facilitate things a bit.

129
00:07:34,832 --> 00:07:37,697
I don't wanna help sell the place,
because I don't wanna move.

130
00:07:37,817 --> 00:07:39,165
This is our home.

131
00:07:39,465 --> 00:07:40,813
We're happy here.

132
00:07:41,054 --> 00:07:42,177
I love L.A.

133
00:07:42,673 --> 00:07:43,953
She's your daughter.

134
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:47,686
Hey, honey, not that I mind having
this conversation

135
00:07:47,846 --> 00:07:48,952
for the 73rd time,

136
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,952
but could we do it maybe
when Daddy's balls don't ache so much?

137
00:07:52,163 --> 00:07:54,220
And it's black metal, not Norwegian.

138
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,758
She needs more time.

139
00:07:56,073 --> 00:07:59,600
Karen, we have discussed this
like the responsible parents we are.

140
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:02,283
Hank, New York will always
be there for us.

141
00:08:02,443 --> 00:08:04,154
You agreed she'd be
better off in NY.

142
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,372
But it doesn't mean
we have the right to yank her away

143
00:08:06,492 --> 00:08:08,258
- from the only life she knows.
- God.

144
00:08:08,378 --> 00:08:10,130
Dammit, I need a cigarette.

145
00:08:10,988 --> 00:08:12,369
How about a Vicodin?

146
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,130
I like it then.

147
00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:15,381
That'll do.

148
00:08:17,078 --> 00:08:18,771
My poor little gelding.

149
00:08:19,161 --> 00:08:20,258
That's mean.

150
00:08:26,729 --> 00:08:27,566
Peas!

151
00:08:28,142 --> 00:08:29,257
Or anemone.

152
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:00,880
Feels nice.

153
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,371
Make yourself at home.

154
00:09:10,745 --> 00:09:12,481
Mi casa es su casa.

155
00:09:13,802 --> 00:09:16,463
Might wanna start
out at the patio, though.

156
00:09:22,935 --> 00:09:26,002
Hey, big fellow. You think I might get
my hands on some frozen veggies, there?

157
00:09:26,209 --> 00:09:28,676
Think you should wait
your fucking turn.

158
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:36,809
You.

159
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:38,109
Me.

160
00:09:38,343 --> 00:09:41,132
- We...
- Sure did. A couple of times, actually.

161
00:09:41,343 --> 00:09:42,483
Long time ago.

162
00:09:42,603 --> 00:09:44,506
In a galaxy not so far away.

163
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,767
So, what's going on?

164
00:09:47,991 --> 00:09:51,348
Not much, I'm just, you know,
in the market for some frozen peas.

165
00:09:51,518 --> 00:09:52,979
Maybe some anemone.

166
00:09:53,323 --> 00:09:54,515
Totally up to me.

167
00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:58,211
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, why? I'm fine.

168
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:02,044
- You seem like you're in pain.
- No more than usual.

169
00:10:02,706 --> 00:10:03,964
How are you doing?

170
00:10:04,199 --> 00:10:06,502
Old same old.
Living la vida loca.

171
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,190
True that.
It's hard out there for a pimp.

172
00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:11,995
So...

173
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:16,641
You wanna get high
and listen to some...

174
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,207
records?

175
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:20,165
Oh, dear.

176
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:23,187
Would that I could but...

177
00:10:23,585 --> 00:10:25,657
Big life changes
since the last we met alone.

178
00:10:25,868 --> 00:10:27,640
I got back together with the ex.

179
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:29,822
Baby mom.

180
00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:31,430
So I...

181
00:10:33,654 --> 00:10:34,756
That's too bad.

182
00:10:35,424 --> 00:10:37,043
You were a great lay.

183
00:10:38,386 --> 00:10:40,048
Well, that is...

184
00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:43,409
so sweet of you to say.

185
00:10:43,579 --> 00:10:45,869
I will tell the old lady you said so.

186
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:47,820
Be well, Hank.

187
00:10:54,025 --> 00:10:54,910
You too.

188
00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:01,659
Surfer girl.

189
00:11:02,343 --> 00:11:04,017
What are you, some kind of pussy?

190
00:11:04,314 --> 00:11:06,017
She would have totally fucked you.

191
00:11:06,176 --> 00:11:08,483
- I don't do that anymore.
- You should do that.

192
00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:11,949
While you still can. You never know when
you're gonna wind up in one of these.

193
00:11:12,085 --> 00:11:13,843
Come on,
you don't really need that thing.

194
00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:16,351
I bet you just like to zip around.
It makes you feel special.

195
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,063
Yeah? You ever hear
of a prolapsed rectum?

196
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:20,398
Asshole.

197
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:23,180
Rectum?

198
00:11:24,327 --> 00:11:25,885
Damn near killed him.

199
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,199
Yeah? No.

200
00:11:30,396 --> 00:11:32,179
She was there when I left.

201
00:11:54,071 --> 00:11:55,244
You, Becca.

202
00:11:56,312 --> 00:11:57,739
In the car, now.

203
00:11:58,253 --> 00:12:00,307
- Dad...
- I'm not fucking around, now.

204
00:12:01,619 --> 00:12:02,796
Give me that.

205
00:12:06,607 --> 00:12:08,405
So who is this? Like your dad?

206
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:09,574
Go away.

207
00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:11,504
I'm serious, I'll kill you.

208
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,675
The guy is kind of a dick.

209
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:24,861
Kind of?

210
00:12:25,659 --> 00:12:27,184
I don't want her hanging out here.

211
00:12:27,304 --> 00:12:30,431
What am I supposed to do? Kick her to
the curb? She's my little sudo sister.

212
00:12:30,551 --> 00:12:31,770
What is that?

213
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:35,031
It's not a memoire.

214
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:37,471
It's a written account
of my sexual relationship with you.

215
00:12:37,593 --> 00:12:39,499
Written by me, as a fucking novel.

216
00:12:40,245 --> 00:12:42,799
Even I'm confused
and I stole the damn thing.

217
00:12:42,959 --> 00:12:44,529
Well I hope you're enjoying it.

218
00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:47,665
I hope all my hard work
is paying off for you. Is it?

219
00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:49,319
It is, very much so.

220
00:12:49,637 --> 00:12:52,630
Just as I hope
you're enjoying my father's wife.

221
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:55,180
- He says "hi", by the way.
- No, he doesn't.

222
00:13:02,773 --> 00:13:03,869
Are you alright?

223
00:13:04,712 --> 00:13:05,511
Here?

224
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,210
You're all alone.

225
00:13:09,009 --> 00:13:11,866
Much as it warms the cockles
to hear you say it...

226
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:13,690
I'm fine, don't worry about me.

227
00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:16,759
Worry about the Becca,
she's pissed off and she's scared.

228
00:13:17,582 --> 00:13:18,449
Scared?

229
00:13:19,436 --> 00:13:22,256
Think about it.
She got what she always wanted.

230
00:13:22,376 --> 00:13:24,994
The happy ending
to beat all happy endings.

231
00:13:25,114 --> 00:13:28,657
She's just waiting for the other shoe
to drop. For you to fuck it up.

232
00:13:29,198 --> 00:13:31,373
Or for Karen to realize
she made a big mistake.

233
00:13:31,635 --> 00:13:33,420
Both are bound to happen.

234
00:13:35,098 --> 00:13:37,095
Goddammit, I need a cigarette.

235
00:13:40,456 --> 00:13:41,335
Goodbye.

236
00:13:51,191 --> 00:13:52,937
I know you're pissed at me.

237
00:13:53,057 --> 00:13:55,633
I know your mother and I have done
some unforgivable shit to you,

238
00:13:55,753 --> 00:13:58,080
and I know you're approaching
that age where the very thought

239
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,540
of having a conversation
with your father makes you nauseous.

240
00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:05,261
But I just wanted you to know
that I'm not gonna quit trying. Okay?

241
00:14:06,652 --> 00:14:09,557
'Cause you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

242
00:14:10,421 --> 00:14:12,186
I love the shit outta you.

243
00:14:15,579 --> 00:14:16,876
How's the balls?

244
00:14:20,263 --> 00:14:22,946
The boys have seen better days,
thank you.

245
00:14:23,717 --> 00:14:25,090
Was that a laugh?

246
00:14:25,852 --> 00:14:29,245
My pain is funny to you?
Jesus, you're just like your mother.

247
00:14:29,364 --> 00:14:33,246
You should know what that woman put me
through. It is a hideous, barbaric...

248
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,307
Almost medieval procedure.

249
00:14:35,477 --> 00:14:37,805
Hank buddy,
you're preaching the choir, okay?

250
00:14:37,925 --> 00:14:39,943
- I've been there.
- You've been vasectomized?

251
00:14:40,063 --> 00:14:42,147
Why do you think
we don't have any little rugrats?

252
00:14:42,270 --> 00:14:44,311
I guess I just always assumed
you were barren.

253
00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:45,579
Asshole.

254
00:14:45,749 --> 00:14:48,064
- Be nice to my wounded soldier.
- He started it.

255
00:14:48,184 --> 00:14:50,840
- Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks.
- That I am, my good man.

256
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,275
- Ever since the snip snip snip.
- Well, the second one.

257
00:14:54,512 --> 00:14:56,523
- You're gonna freak him out.
- What 2nd one?

258
00:14:56,643 --> 00:14:59,157
- The second what?
- You know, it...

259
00:14:59,417 --> 00:15:01,763
Sometimes, it doesn't take.

260
00:15:02,142 --> 00:15:03,976
Doesn't take? That's not cool.

261
00:15:04,095 --> 00:15:07,023
That's not cool at all. No, no.
I did not have a perfectly good

262
00:15:07,233 --> 00:15:09,631
chunk of my vas def cut off
so I could go back

263
00:15:09,751 --> 00:15:12,039
to wearing condoms
like some pimply face teenager.

264
00:15:12,199 --> 00:15:14,021
- I love the rubbers.
- Why?

265
00:15:14,141 --> 00:15:16,888
- What do you mean?
- They slow me down, man.

266
00:15:17,098 --> 00:15:19,270
- Keep me in the game.
- Retard sensation.

267
00:15:19,430 --> 00:15:22,604
- You know what I'm saying?
- He's an excitable warm.

268
00:15:22,763 --> 00:15:25,303
Are you intimating
that he ejaculates prematurely?

269
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,980
- Nice, thank you.
- Great.

270
00:15:31,356 --> 00:15:33,701
Why would you guys want to go back

271
00:15:33,861 --> 00:15:36,194
- to that disgusting city of yours?
- Don't bring that up.

272
00:15:36,314 --> 00:15:40,011
- It's because it's a city.
- Come on, "this is a city".

273
00:15:45,059 --> 00:15:47,649
So, yeah, this is Sonia, hey.

274
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:49,915
Awkward.

275
00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:55,847
- Hey, Karen!
- Hey, Sonia!

276
00:15:56,743 --> 00:15:59,334
- Nice to see you again.
- I found something that works better...

277
00:15:59,507 --> 00:16:02,896
You mean to say that you found
something better that a sudo religious

278
00:16:03,066 --> 00:16:05,845
cult founded
by a lunatic sci-fi hack?

279
00:16:06,105 --> 00:16:08,916
- Do tell.
- It's a little complicated over drinks.

280
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,382
Maybe lunch tomorrow?
It's been too long.

281
00:16:11,502 --> 00:16:13,400
- Sure.
- Hold on a second.

282
00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:17,602
I'm not sure I feel about 2 ladies with
whom I've made love lunching together.

283
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:21,477
Okay. I'm pretty sure
I feel pretty good about it.

284
00:16:21,952 --> 00:16:24,426
It's cute. You guys are...
You're officially back together?

285
00:16:24,856 --> 00:16:27,040
For now, untill we fuck it up.

286
00:16:27,851 --> 00:16:29,691
Could be any second now.

287
00:16:30,095 --> 00:16:33,508
- Dude, Julien is a writer too.
- Really? My condolences.

288
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,840
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.

289
00:16:37,108 --> 00:16:39,039
- No way.
- Check please.

290
00:16:39,428 --> 00:16:40,622
Hank, that's rude.

291
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:43,255
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want.
- No need.

292
00:16:43,415 --> 00:16:45,922
I have it on my night stand right now.
I love it.

293
00:16:47,023 --> 00:16:48,458
Let me try to understand this.

294
00:16:48,631 --> 00:16:51,720
Hold on a second, you write about
what it's like to be an artist.

295
00:16:51,930 --> 00:16:54,975
- Don't be a douche, Hank.
- You ask the impossible, sweetheart.

296
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,237
It's fine, he's trying the negativity.
It's normal.

297
00:16:59,355 --> 00:17:01,046
What I write about

298
00:17:01,166 --> 00:17:02,922
is accessing the artist

299
00:17:03,169 --> 00:17:05,425
that exists
inside of every single one of us.

300
00:17:05,545 --> 00:17:07,773
That really works.
I mean, I've never been happier.

301
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:10,118
My business has never been better.

302
00:17:10,277 --> 00:17:13,616
In fact, I'm thinking about expanding.
Bringing on an architect we should talk.

303
00:17:13,941 --> 00:17:17,598
So you really believe
that everybody on this planet

304
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:20,609
has an artist inside them?

305
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,456
Like an inner schnapple, if you will?

306
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,465
I do.

307
00:17:24,674 --> 00:17:27,080
Which means
you must consider yourself an artist.

308
00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:31,797
I like to think of myself as more
of a... creative midwife.

309
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:34,952
Well, I like to think of myself
as having a 12-inch cock,

310
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,729
but it doesn't make it so.

311
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,329
Two inches shy.

312
00:17:40,625 --> 00:17:42,805
Well, we have to get going, baby.

313
00:17:42,925 --> 00:17:45,048
- Fashionable late is one thing.
- Oh, right.

314
00:17:45,168 --> 00:17:48,044
You know what? We're going to
this party up in Laurel Canyon.

315
00:17:48,204 --> 00:17:50,385
- You guys wanna come?
- And in fucking up this house?

316
00:17:50,505 --> 00:17:51,873
A party? Even us?

317
00:17:53,721 --> 00:17:54,806
Fucking A, let's go.

318
00:17:54,926 --> 00:17:56,708
- Really?
- No, but have fun.

319
00:18:10,978 --> 00:18:13,139
- Quit smoking.
- Wow, lucky you.

320
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,603
No, I'm gonna pass.

321
00:18:14,723 --> 00:18:17,741
- What did you give it up for lent?
- No, I'm...

322
00:18:18,321 --> 00:18:20,883
I'm pregnant.
You didn't notice my bump?

323
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,580
Yeah, I did, I just thought
you put on weight.

324
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,744
I'm kidding.
Congratulations.

325
00:18:26,213 --> 00:18:28,621
Thanks, thank you.
Yeah, we're very happy.

326
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,043
Well done, lady.

327
00:18:30,556 --> 00:18:33,597
Last time I saw you, you were boning
at a gender at doggie style

328
00:18:33,717 --> 00:18:35,772
and projectile vomitting
all over Bill's bedroom.

329
00:18:35,895 --> 00:18:37,878
A few things
which I totally dug about you.

330
00:18:37,998 --> 00:18:39,142
Was that me?

331
00:18:40,113 --> 00:18:41,482
Don't ever change.

332
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:42,874
What the hell...

333
00:18:43,899 --> 00:18:45,600
- What?
- Shooting cock pain.

334
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,433
I gotta go. Good to see you.

335
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,184
My mama...

336
00:18:55,496 --> 00:18:56,706
What the fuck!

337
00:18:57,394 --> 00:19:00,541
I leave you alone for two seconds.
You're not supposed to do that.

338
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:03,370
- Why not, daddy?
- You know why not.

339
00:19:04,090 --> 00:19:05,305
I know but...

340
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,596
Just look how nice they look.

341
00:19:07,756 --> 00:19:11,228
- Pretty little maids all in a row.
- You wanna go back to promises?

342
00:19:17,870 --> 00:19:19,401
Don't you remember?

343
00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:24,736
How good the sex used to be...

344
00:19:25,738 --> 00:19:28,628
when I used to sprinkle it
on your naughty bits?

345
00:19:29,364 --> 00:19:33,314
I seem to recall something vaguely
pleasant about the sensation, yes.

346
00:19:47,257 --> 00:19:50,234
What do you know?
You're without the "artist within"?

347
00:19:50,354 --> 00:19:52,663
- You must be lonely.
- You must be jealous.

348
00:19:52,782 --> 00:19:54,321
That's kind of cute.

349
00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:56,698
We gotta go.

350
00:19:57,121 --> 00:19:57,857
Hank?

351
00:19:58,027 --> 00:19:59,188
I am so...

352
00:19:59,787 --> 00:20:02,195
touched
by what you did for me today.

353
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:10,820
What I did for you today means that
I can't do this or anything like this

354
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:13,370
- for the next 48 hours.
- Oh, yeah.

355
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:18,735
There is more than one way
to skin a cat.

356
00:20:20,997 --> 00:20:22,315
I like you stoned.

357
00:20:22,568 --> 00:20:25,187
Do you?
I like you liking me stoned.

358
00:20:29,232 --> 00:20:31,105
- Holy shit.
- What?

359
00:20:31,984 --> 00:20:35,134
- I think you're giving me a boner.
- Well, that's great news.

360
00:20:35,254 --> 00:20:38,070
It's great news. No, it is. I just...
I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.

361
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,104
- Come here!
- No, I wanna check it.

362
00:20:40,224 --> 00:20:41,469
I'll be right back.

363
00:20:41,639 --> 00:20:44,770
I don't want you to see him like this.
It could be bloody.

364
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,609
What are you doing?

365
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,033
Assuming the posish.

366
00:20:52,768 --> 00:20:54,593
Feel free to start without me.

367
00:21:00,204 --> 00:21:01,692
Hey, you got a rubber?

368
00:21:02,305 --> 00:21:04,970
I think I got the Ramses
in my wallet from high school

369
00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:07,593
- but I'm pretty sure it's expired.
- Hand it over.

370
00:21:07,763 --> 00:21:08,853
I was kidding.

371
00:21:09,023 --> 00:21:10,850
Fuckin chick is insisting I...

372
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,835
- wear a rubber.
- What is that about?

373
00:21:12,955 --> 00:21:15,114
- It's not very Rock n' Roll.
- Not at all.

374
00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:17,639
If it's dark enough,
you could rip open an Alka-seltzer.

375
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,190
- And bang her with it!
- No, it just

376
00:21:20,416 --> 00:21:23,005
It will create the illusion
that you're wearing a jimmy hat.

377
00:21:23,376 --> 00:21:24,911
David Coperfield does it.

378
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,269
Not on stage.

379
00:21:27,049 --> 00:21:28,871
- Thanks, man.
- No, I was kidding.

380
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,176
Hey, asshole!

381
00:22:45,766 --> 00:22:46,506
Hello?

382
00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:48,303
Karen?

383
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:56,788
- Anybody got an Alka-seltzer?
- Lew!

384
00:22:58,201 --> 00:23:00,927
This fucking perv just tried
to mouthrape me.

385
00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:05,593
What the fuck dude? You're a guest
in my home and you go mouthrape...

386
00:23:06,614 --> 00:23:09,199
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Destiny.

387
00:23:09,916 --> 00:23:10,775
Felicity.

388
00:23:10,945 --> 00:23:12,982
Come on. There was no raping.

389
00:23:13,152 --> 00:23:15,451
I wasn't raping,
I'm not a rapy kind of guy.

390
00:23:17,838 --> 00:23:21,217
Karen, I was looking for you, there
you are. God, tell 'em I'm not rapy.

391
00:23:22,709 --> 00:23:24,816
I accidently went down on her.

392
00:23:25,056 --> 00:23:25,804
What?

393
00:23:26,018 --> 00:23:28,015
How do you accidently
go down on someone?

394
00:23:28,295 --> 00:23:29,605
Big house, lots of rooms.

395
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,013
It was dark, I went to the bathroom,
I got turned around

396
00:23:32,133 --> 00:23:33,714
and accidently went down on her.

397
00:23:36,930 --> 00:23:38,119
I'll buy it.

398
00:23:38,568 --> 00:23:39,863
Sell it to her.

399
00:23:42,347 --> 00:23:45,279
So I seem to have procured
a lubricate prophylactic.

400
00:23:47,838 --> 00:23:49,260
I'll get the car.

401
00:23:54,439 --> 00:23:56,357
I know, I smell like pussy.

402
00:23:57,292 --> 00:24:01,003
I'm sorry Karen, I'm very sorry.
It was an honest mistake.

403
00:24:02,094 --> 00:24:04,724
You just had your mouth
on another woman's vagina.

404
00:24:04,894 --> 00:24:08,459
Yes I did. But the moment my tongue
hit clit, I knew it wasn't yours.

405
00:24:08,579 --> 00:24:09,774
It wasn't perfect.

406
00:24:09,894 --> 00:24:12,468
I could pick your pussy
out of a police line up of pussy.

407
00:24:12,587 --> 00:24:15,924
I could. You know, if your pussy
was ever arrested, God forbid,

408
00:24:16,094 --> 00:24:18,533
and it had to be identified
in some kind of a line up,

409
00:24:18,653 --> 00:24:21,583
I would get it right away.
"Pussy number two, step forward.

410
00:24:21,753 --> 00:24:22,872
"Turn profile.

411
00:24:23,660 --> 00:24:24,909
"That's Karen."

412
00:24:25,512 --> 00:24:30,244
My God. I must have been fucking crazy
thinking things could be different.

413
00:24:31,053 --> 00:24:31,988
Fuck me!

414
00:24:40,184 --> 00:24:42,715
Don't start saying things
you can't take back.

415
00:24:42,885 --> 00:24:44,652
I don't wanna take it back.

416
00:24:44,973 --> 00:24:46,442
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

417
00:24:46,562 --> 00:24:48,301
- You do.
- Don't tell me what I mean.

418
00:24:48,421 --> 00:24:50,469
- Good evening, sir, ma'am.
- Good evening.

419
00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:52,063
You know why I stopped you?

420
00:24:52,183 --> 00:24:54,141
No I don't, sir. Educate me,

421
00:24:54,499 --> 00:24:55,484
officer...

422
00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:58,282
Dick? Really?

423
00:24:59,438 --> 00:25:00,545
Officer Dick.

424
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,184
And that was mean by the way.
That was really a low blow.

425
00:25:03,304 --> 00:25:05,351
Coming from the "mouth rapist"?

426
00:25:05,561 --> 00:25:07,066
You have a headlight out.

427
00:25:07,186 --> 00:25:09,734
Yes, it's been that way for months.
But tonight I get stopped,

428
00:25:09,907 --> 00:25:11,963
of all nights.
It's just my fucking luck.

429
00:25:12,083 --> 00:25:14,004
'Cause this is all about luck.
It hasn't...

430
00:25:14,124 --> 00:25:16,184
Could we just sleep on this?

431
00:25:16,304 --> 00:25:18,702
Is there a reason why
you're not wearing a shirt, sir?

432
00:25:18,872 --> 00:25:21,115
Yes, there is, officer.

433
00:25:21,235 --> 00:25:23,859
There's a very good one
and I couldn't even begin to explain.

434
00:25:23,979 --> 00:25:25,279
Oh, no! Try.

435
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,953
Try see if he thinks
it was an honest mistake.

436
00:25:28,073 --> 00:25:30,099
Okay. One more time
for the Cheap Seats.

437
00:25:30,219 --> 00:25:32,550
What happened back there
could've happened to anybody.

438
00:25:32,670 --> 00:25:35,792
Wrong place, wrong time,
wrong vagina.

439
00:25:37,331 --> 00:25:38,295
Shut up!

440
00:25:38,415 --> 00:25:41,855
- I'm sorry, he's been drinking.
- What the fuck, Karen?

441
00:25:43,448 --> 00:25:46,106
- Have you been drinking, sir?
- Hours ago...

442
00:25:46,692 --> 00:25:49,793
you know, but not to excess,
I don't do that anymore.

443
00:25:49,913 --> 00:25:52,702
I mean I do. But not nearly
as often as I used to.

444
00:25:53,005 --> 00:25:54,969
And he's been taking Vicodin.

445
00:25:55,178 --> 00:25:56,267
Oh, come on!

446
00:25:56,929 --> 00:25:58,277
That's... Karen...

447
00:25:59,562 --> 00:26:02,283
I know you're pissed at me
for going down on that woman,

448
00:26:02,635 --> 00:26:06,286
but are you trying
to get me thrown in jail?

449
00:26:06,456 --> 00:26:09,340
- Could you step out of the car, please?
- Hold on, sir. You know there's...

450
00:26:09,460 --> 00:26:12,518
- Out of the car now.
- You caught us at a really bad time.

451
00:26:12,638 --> 00:26:15,699
- Yeah, it's a bad time.
- Excuse me for saying so, ma'am.

452
00:26:15,818 --> 00:26:18,103
You don't have to put up
with this kind of behavior.

453
00:26:18,223 --> 00:26:20,566
Why don't you just mind
your own fucking business?

454
00:26:20,686 --> 00:26:22,692
- Hank, just shut up.
- Excuse me, sir?

455
00:26:22,812 --> 00:26:25,550
All due respect but aren't you stepping
outside the job description?

456
00:26:25,670 --> 00:26:27,932
I didn't know you guys had the right
to editorialize.

457
00:26:31,115 --> 00:26:33,311
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir?

458
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:35,886
One hit.

459
00:26:36,228 --> 00:26:37,552
- One!
- Okay, let's go.

460
00:26:37,672 --> 00:26:39,828
Come on, you can't arrest somebody
for being a wiseass.

461
00:26:39,948 --> 00:26:42,847
No but I certainly can
for driving under the influence, can I?

462
00:26:42,966 --> 00:26:44,623
Officer, excuse me.

463
00:26:44,743 --> 00:26:47,671
This is just like
a big misunderstanding.

464
00:26:47,791 --> 00:26:48,988
Of course it is. OK?

465
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:51,273
You know,
the thing that I can't understand

466
00:26:51,392 --> 00:26:52,958
is what a woman like that

467
00:26:53,117 --> 00:26:56,665
is doing with a prick, like you.
She's got to have screw loose right?

468
00:26:56,946 --> 00:26:59,290
Maybe that's how you like 'em,
right a little crazy.

469
00:26:59,778 --> 00:27:02,773
Maybe if you go down on her
a little more often.

470
00:27:04,610 --> 00:27:05,526
What the f...

471
00:27:18,863 --> 00:27:20,081
Not the balls!


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